


May the Best Man Win

by Foggy16



Category: Lupin III
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon typical silliness, Competent but sick Zenigata, Heist plot, M/M, Mild Angst, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 05:15:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13606326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foggy16/pseuds/Foggy16
Summary: A lost Faberge Egg is making its way home to a Russian museum, that is if Lupin doesn’t get to it first. However with his right-hand man sick he is at something of a disadvantage. And then of course, good old Zenigata has to show up and spoil all the fun. But it looks like the poor bastard isn’t at his best either. It’s anyone’s game at this point and May the Best Man Win!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Like the show itself, I have taken a great deal of artistic licence with history. The Commemorative Egg is still lost. I also fail at Russian geography, and have no clue how many museums are in Moscow. However that sort of knowledge doesn’t seem to stop the writers of the show, and I’m not going to let it stop me.
> 
> I originally wrote this in 2013 and only just chose to post it here.

It seemed as if every time he left this place he swore he would never come back. Yet somehow, somehow, he found himself back here. This time it was at the insistence of his best friend and partner in crime. “I friggin’ hate Russia.” The declaration was punctuated by a deep, miserable sniffle.

Lupin winced in sympathy and nodded. “I know you do Jigen, but this is seriously a once in a several lifetimes opportunity here.” His eyes gleamed in an almost manic way as he looked sideways from one companion to the other. "The Alexander the Third Commemorative Faberge Egg, lost for almost one hundred years, is finally making its way back to home to Mother Russia. But I say the Russians have gotten along just fine and dandy without it for this long so what’s the rush? I happen to know of many private collectors who would be willing to pay well above asking price for that little beauty and my motto is ‘give the people what they want, so long as they can afford it’.”

“You ever stop to think that maybe that egg belongs here?” He held up a finger and turned away quickly, sneezing into a tissue he grabbed from the box by his head. He sniffled and wiped his nose before continuing. “Maybe we’re the ones who should just cut our losses and get the hell out of here.”

“Hey now, don’t you be getting any ideas like that again. I checked around. There are no curses, charms, hexes or spells on that little goodie, so she’s all ours.”

Goemon had been quiet during the exchange, but when Jigen looked at him for input he met his boyfriend’s eyes and shrugged apologetically. “Lupin is correct about this, and while we both empathise with you, it would be foolhardy for us to walk away empty handed. For once fortune has smiled upon us, giving us not only the opportunity but removing one of our two main opponents from our path.”

Jigen huffed an unwilling laugh. “I guess it was a stroke of dumb luck, Fujiko breaking her leg like that. Thank whatever god you want to thank for steep ski slopes and rich playboy boyfriends.” He tucked tossed the tissue box onto the coffee table and rubbed his temples. “So what about the other thorn in our side?”

Lupin snickered, although the mirth didn’t quite make it to his eyes. “Zenigata? I ran into Old Pops in the shop here at our hotel and I don’t think we need to worry about him either. He’s in worse shape than you are, Jigen. If he’d been on his toes he would have seen right through the fake beard and eyebrows I had on. They didn’t even look real. But he just walked right passed me, even said ‘beg your pardon’ before he made a beeline to the cold and flu counter.”

“He’s sick? What the hell is he doing out here in this godforsaken frozen hellhole?” Jigen sniffled and glared at Lupin while he reached for the tissues he’d prematurely put away, as if holding the master thief personally responsible for not only his condition, but the inspector’s as well.

“Don’t look at me like that. You know Zenigata as well as I do and you know that if word got out that a thought to be lost Faberge Egg was on its way to Russia there’s nowhere else in the world he’s going to want to be. He would never forgive himself if I got hold of that beautiful relic while he was at home nursing a cold. He could never show his face at Interpol again.”

“That’s a low blow, even for you.”

“Who knew that getting sick would turn you into friggin’ Mother Theresa? If you don’t want a share in this, Goemon and I can get on just as well without you.” Lupin crossed his arms, and Goemon said nothing, but it was more that clear that he sided with Lupin on this particular issue.

Jigen bristled visibly. “When did I ever say that I wasn’t going to be a part of this? I was just saying that it’s sort of a dick move, getting at a guy when he’s already down for the count. If he didn’t even know who you were in a disguise that wouldn’t normally fool a blind man, then we have him at a disadvantage. And while I like it when the odds are stacked in my favor as much as the next guy, that was what I meant when I said it was a low blow.”

Lupin sighed, irritated, but ready to overlook anything said by the sick man. And if he was honest with himself, a man he did want, if not need, on this heist. “Alright, as long as we’ve got that cleared up.” He pulled out a small notebook and opened it. “We know that the Egg is on a heavily armored train even as we speak and it won’t even be in town until tomorrow morning. And we can’t risk showing up when it first arrives anyway. Even in the condition that he’s in, Pops would know to look for us then. Our best bet is to go to the museum to scout things out around four in the afternoon or so. That way all the fanatics will sort of clear up and we’ll be able to get around more easily; figure out how to get to it when the museum is closed down. So I’d suggest we all sort of rest up, then we can start fresh tomorrow afternoon.” He looked at Jigen. “Do you need anything to help you sleep?”

Jigen smirked and pulled out a small flask. “I got all the medicine I need right here.” He took a swig and rose from the sofa, removing his legs from Goemon’s lap, and headed for the bedroom. After changing out of his rather rumpled slacks and blazer, Jigen climbed into bed, pulling the covers tightly around his body. Damn Russia with it’s damn winter weather. Why did the Egg have to go on display at Christmas time anyway? It was a friggin’ Easter Egg, wasn’t it? Why not show it during Easter, when things were at least a little warmer? He was debating the merits of undoing his cocoon and getting more blankets when the door opened and Goemon sat down on the edge of the bed next to him. Jigen fixed him with a cross stare. “You know, you could have tried to see things my way out there. At the very least backed me on the whole Zenigata thing.”

Goemon sighed and pressed a cool hand on Jigen’s forehead before answering. “You’re starting a fever.”

“Right, tell me something I don’t know. Or better yet, answer my question without being all mystic, if you can.”

Goemon looked thoughtfully at the wall. “It isn’t that I disagree with you on this. I simply see Lupin’s point too. Now is very much the ideal time to strike, while we don’t have anything standing in our way.”

“Yeah,” Lupin’s voice made both men start as their leader joined them. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like a dog for taking advantage of the situation, either.” Goemon climbed completely onto the bed next to Jigen and allowed Lupin to pull up a chair next to them.

“What are you saying?” Jigen rested his aching head on Goemon’s shoulder. “I know you don’t want to back out of this.”

“You know me well. Of course I don’t want to back out. We didn’t come all this way to go back without anything to show for all our pains. What I’m saying is that I’m gonna give the poor bastard a fighting chance. It really isn’t much fun when the game is so rigged you’d have to try to lose anyway. So yeah, you guys get some rest, I’ve got some work to do.”


	2. Chapter 2

“You said someone left something for me down here?” Zenigata’s normally booming voice was at half volume and so congested that it was almost hard to follow him. The elderly graveyard shift manager sharply looked up from balancing his books but his expression quickly softened. In front of him stood the sickest and most disheveled looking man he’d seen in a long time. His shoulders drooped as if laden down with more burdens than he cared to say, there were dark bruise-like shadows under his eyes and his nose was an angry shade of red. The clothes he was wearing, while never extremely tidy when he wore then normally, had the wrinkled appearance of having been doned in the dark, which was almost exactly what had happened.

The manager recovered himself quickly, calling his mind back to the matter at hand, rather than looking over the wretched looking man leaning on his counter. “Inspector Zenigata, I presume?”

The inspector nodded wearily, sniffling into a handkerchief that looked just as tired and overworked as the person in possession of it. Fishing in his desk, the manager pulled out a thick envelope and handed it to Zenigata. “Thank… than…” Zenigata buried his face into the handkerchief and sneezed several times, surfacing only when he was certain he was finished. Even after he was done, he refused to look back at his host. “Thank you sir.” There was a hint of embarrassment in his voice as he opened it and pulled out the letter, shoving the empty envelope in his trench coat pocket. His eyes skimmed down the letter and seemed to grow huge as he pursed his lips with irritation.

“If I may Inspector, you look and sound positively ill. I’m sure whatever business is in that letter can wait. After all, it’s two in the morning.”

Zenigata seemed not to hear the kind suggestion as he slammed the paper down on the desk. “Who gave this to you and how long ago did they leave?” The quick burst of energy was undermined by a fit of coughing and his body all but forced him to sink down into the chair that the manager had rushed to find for him.

“A young woman came in four hours ago and dropped it off. She didn’t say anything other than your name and she left in a hurry. We rang your room as soon as we received it, but until now, there was no answer.” Discreetly he reached over the desk and plucked a box of tissues from the table, setting it in Zenigata’s lap. The worn handkerchief was quickly tucked away as the sick inspector gratefully wiped his nose with the soft, dry paper. The manager’s chair was pulled around so that he could face his guest and neither would have to stand to see the other.

“Yeah, sorry about that, I was sorta dead to the world. I don’t even know what made me wake up the last time you called me.”

“And it sounds as if you still should be dead to the world. I do feel guilty for waking you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, I’m fine… Just… just..” Zenigata sneezed again, then drew a shuddering breath and wiped at his nose before continuing his protest. “It’s just a little head cold is all, it’ll be gone before you know it. I just need to make heads or tails out of this damn letter, that’s the issue at hand. Regrettably I’m not as familiar with this charming country of yours as I’d like to be, so I don’t know where any sort of jewels or other treasures would be.”

Cocking his head in a curious way, the manager held out a hand innocently. “Perhaps I may be of assistance? I like to think of myself as something of a history buff and I know all the museums. Is that what you are here for?”

“No I’m… I shouldn’t be telling you this, actually, I don’t really know you.” He coughed in a congested way and leaned his head back against the back of his chair. “I’ve been chasing this one guy for years now, and no matter what I do he’s always one step ahead of me. It’s so annoying. And right now he’s just taunting me and adding to my workload.” He sat up and blew his nose, wincing as his sinuses seemed to pop. Then he sniffled thickly and rubbed his eyes with the pads of his fingers.

“I see. That does sound quite tiresome, but I still might be able to help you. At the very least provide you with a new set of eyes.”

It was a testament to exactly how sick Zenigata was that he handed over the letter with no other prodding. “Hey Pops, a little birdie told me you were under the weather so I’m gonna make things easier for you. We both know why we’re here but I also have my eye on three other little Imperial gems while I’m in the area. If you can guess which ones I’m after and stop me I will not only put all three of the items back where I found them, I will also leave Moscow without so much as a rouble. Catch you before you catch me, Lupin the Third.”

The manager skimmed it and frowned. “There are several museums near the one where the Egg will be on display, and all of them have at least one artifact from the Tsar. How will you know which one he will strike first?”

“That’s the thing with Lupin, you don’t know anything. He’s the most unpredictable person on the whole planet.” There was a marked lack of zeal in his voice that was normally present when he talked about Lupin. Zenigata pulled a couple of tissues from the box and brought them up to his face, sneezing violently. He massaged his throbbing eyes and sniffled again. This cold was already hurting his head more than usual.

The slightly wizzen man smiled sadly and got up. “Well, I can only tell you a few things for certain, nothing is open this time of day, your adversary is more than likely nowhere near any of those places at the moment and you would do very nicely with a strong hot cup of tea. After you have had it, I would strongly advise that you return to bed. That would be the most helpful thing for you right now.” He headed to a back room where a pot full of hot water was always ready for making tea. After he filled a large ceramic coffee cup with the water and dropped the tea bag in, he added a tiny amount of fine white powder. Stirring as he walked, he handed the cup to Zenigata. “I’m sorry I could only help with finding you that cup of tea, though.”

Zenigata shook his head and sipped the tea, then wrapped his rather icy fingers around the mug. He was too stuffy to taste anything, but he was fairly sure it was a form of chamomile, the best kind to help with sleep. He relaxed visibly as the hot liquid seemed to meld into him and tilted his head against the back of his chair. “You don’t need to be sorry, at least you listened. Not too many people really listen to me all that often.” His eyes started to droop closed as he made headway on his tea. He must have been more tired than he thought for it to affect him this quickly.

“Shall we return you to your room, Inspector? You don’t want to sleep on this chair, your back won’t thank you in the morning.” He held a hand out to him, his eyes sympathetic.

“Huh? Oh yeah, that might not be a bad idea.” Zenigata nodded groggily and didn’t even bother to contain a huge yawn while he allowed the older man to help him to his feet and guide him up to the second floor and to his room. {Pretty strong for an older fella} he thought to himself as he tried not to allow his full, aching head fall against the rather skinny shoulder. He wasn’t really sure how much of his weight his new friend could take. He was more than mostly asleep when the manager helped him onto the bed, pulling the covers up to his chin and by the time his companion had straightened up, Zenigata was snoring heavily.

As soon as he was sure that the sick inspector was honestly asleep, the manager brought an oddly young hand to his face and tugged at his cheek, revealing Lupin’s face under the mask. He looked uncharacteristically concerned as he stared down at his sleeping nemesis. “God Pops, how about you make it easy on both of us for once and just go home, huh? You’re not doing yourself any favors being here and you have to know I’ll win in the end. I know you won’t go anywhere, but I’m just saying… anyway, sleep well, tomorrow’s gonna be a long day for both of us.” With that Lupin left the room, hanging the Do Not Disturb sign on the door handle.


	3. Chapter 3

“What the hell do you mean you drugged him?”

“To alter one’s opponent's state of consciousness is to fight without honor.”

The pair was seated on either side of the sofa with Lupin sitting across the coffee table in a chair facing between them, looking for all the world like a student being chastised by two of his favorite teachers at once.

“Look man…”

Lupin looked up at Jigen and shook his head. “It was hardly enough to knock out a child, honest. The poor guy was already exhausted and all he needed was a little extra push. I’m a bad guy, but I’m not that bad a guy.”

Jigen and Goemon exchanged glances then Jigen sighed, rubbing his forehead. “I know you aren’t. It’s just that when you say you drugged someone, I can’t help but think about all the times it’s happened for not so good reasons, but it sounds like he actually needed it. You said he actually sat down to have tea with you?”

Lupin nodded slowly, leaning his chin on his hands and his elbows on his knees. “He drank it like it was the nectar of the gods. I’m telling you guys, it was sort of creepy being that close to him and not feeling like he was going to try to arrest me at any given moment.”

“I bet.” Jigen sounded slightly distracted by his own irritated nose. Goemon sighed and pulled a tissue from the box next to his elbow and handed it to him. Jigen nodded his thanks and blew his nose rather loudly, earning himself a dirty look from his boyfriend, then tossed it in the general direction of the wastebasket. “So, what are you gonna do about him?” Jigen stretched out on the sofa, tilting his hat over his eyes, placing his hands behind his head and his feet in Goemon’s lap. Goemon absently rested a hand on Jigen’s legs and watched Lupin think. It really was a privilege, seeing ideas form in his head as well as they did. But then he subtly turned his attention back to Jigen. He looked worn out and ill as well. In fact, Goemon thought that if he got much worse, he’d be forced to stay back at the hotel.

Lupin glanced at his best friend as well before answering. Jigen seemed to be half dozing already, which wasn’t a good sign. “Well, I’m to the point where I almost want to just spell it out for him. There are three competing museums close enough to be threatened by the arrival of the Egg.” He pulled out a small pocket map of the city and put it on the table. Goemon tilted his head to look, but Jigen seemed to not be paying attention. Lupin moved his chair so that Goemon could look at the map without disturbing the napping gunman. He pointed to a museum on a street behind the targeted one. “So, because I did tell Zenigata that I was only interested in Imperial treasure, and as the last prize is a Faberge Egg, why not keep it themed to the last Tsar? This is the first place we’ll hit. It currently houses the necklace Alexandra wore during Nicholas's coronation. After we’ve done that, there’s this place across from it.” He pointed to another marker. “The royal wedding rings are on display there and from what I gather, they’re a sight to see. The last stop is practically next door to the big job. It’s a very small place with a piece on loan from a bigger place. A tiaira that one of the daughters wore to her First Communion. If Zenigata is going to find us at all, it’ll be there. And if he does catch us, we kiss Russia goodbye without so much as seeing the Egg. That was the deal and I’m nothing if not a man of my word.”

Jigen was apparently paying more attention to the conversation than either of his companions knew. He tilted up his hat and gave Lupin a glare of tired annoyance. “You know if Pops isn’t as sick as you say he is then you’re playing with fate, don’t you? Suppose he’s feeling better or something today?” His eyes closed and he brought his hands up to his face. “Hang on.” Jigen sneezed three times then groaned and helped himself to the tissue box that Goemon had tossed gently onto his stomach while his was incapacitated. He blew his nose and put his head back on the arm of the sofa, seeming to have forgotten what he was trying to say.

“I know you’re worried, but I think the question more to the point is are you going to be okay to do this? You don’t need to worry about Zenigata, there’s no way he’s well enough to follow my clues, even if I make them as simple as I know how to. Which is still pretty complex to most people’s way of thinking, not gonna lie.”

“Modesty, modesty. And yeah, I should be fine in a couple of hours. It’s what, six now? These sort of places don’t open until ten, so I’ll be good to go by then.” He sniffled and blew his nose again, tossing his tissue toward the can.

“Your aim is not as impeccable when you are ill, Jigen.” Goemon looked slightly perturbed by this fact, but made no move to get up and disturb Jigen’s rest.

“I’m not trying for impeccable. Besides, last time I checked shooting a gun and playing for the NBA weren’t quite the same thing.” He coughed and turned his attention back to Lupin. “So what does this all mean? The scouting trip to the museum is set back or what?”

“There’s no reason we can’t be totally on schedule with that. These jobs won’t take any time at all because the security will be lax.”

“If you say so. I guess you should just tell us what you want us to do in these new heists and we’ll go from there, huh?”

“Well, about that. I was thinking, can you faint on command?”

Jigen shoved his hat backwards a bit and eyed Lupin carefully. “Maybe, why do you ask?”

“Because in the state you’re in right now you’ll be a great decoy.”

“No friggin’ way am I gonna be your friggin’ damsel in distress! Get on the horn right now and call Fujiko if you want one of those. She should be extra compelling what with her thigh-high cast and crutches. Just expect to get screwed after all is said and done, and I don’t mean in the way your sick mind would like.” He fell into a brooding silence.

“Alright, alright, it was just a thought. You don’t have to get all defencive with me.” Lupin held up both hands in submission.

Goemon sighed softly, knowing that he was about to catch hell for what he was going to say. “It might not be the worst idea Lupin has ever had, you know.”

“I don’t friggin’ believe this! Are you actually suggesting that I go along with that hairbrained plan?” Jigen sat up rather too quickly, removing his legs from Goemon’s lap and ignoring the painful head-rush that followed. He glared at his boyfriend weakly, and then slumped down with his hands between his knees.

“I’m simply saying that the idea has merit. And of course you wouldn’t have to faint, or even pretend to. You would just have to be ill enough to gain sympathy from the guards and then Lupin could take it from there. You already look it and as I stated last night, you are running a fever. We can use it to our advantage.”

“Fine, what’s your idea?” Jigen sounded subdued and exhausted as he sank back against the sofa arm and settled his feet into their proper place. Goemon ran his hand up and down Jigen’s lower legs in quiet empathy, knowing exactly how sick he was feeling, even if he was trying to hide the extent of it from Lupin.

“You and I will go to the museums as men on a business trip who find themselves with time to kill. Our meetings have finished early and we’ve been curious about Russian history since we came here and saw all the old buildings and monuments. However, you really should be using your time off to rest…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Four hours later Jigen and Goemon were dressed in casual business wear and wandering through a near empty museum, their only company being a loud, stooped old man who kept exclaiming over the pieces on display. The men tried to avoid him as much as they could.

“I told you that you should have stayed behind.” Goemon chided lightly. “You need to take this time to rest.”

Jigen shook his head, eying the man who seemed to be following them wherever they turned. “And I told you that I’m fine, just a little congested is all. I don’t know when we’ll get back here and I wanted to see this place before we left.” Jigen sneezed into the crook of his elbow, sniffled and blew his nose. The pair made a couple more stops before standing in front of the necklace display. The old man one display over, chattering to himself excitedly.

Suddenly Jigen started to cough and braced a hand against the glass, causing the alarm to go off. Two security guards were at their side in short order. “Excuse me, Sir? I’m afraid…”

Goemon cut him off, flashing him an irritated look. “My friend is ill. If you are going to do anything would you mind helping me take him somewhere where he can sit down?”

The guards exchanged looks and nodded, one taking him by the arm and leading him to the back room, leaving the forgotten man alone in the room. He laughed to himself and made quick work of the display while the alarm was still going off and just as quickly ran out of the fire exit. In place of the necklace there was an envelope.

While the old man was helping himself to the display case, Goemon and Jigen were in a smallish breakroom with the guards. Jigen was sitting down glaring into a cup of tea and Goemon was standing near his chair. “Will you turn that damned alarm off?” One of the men barked at the other.

“I’m trying. You know nothing works in this hole.” He pushed a few more buttons, not bothering to look up at the monitor as the old man tottered out the fire door. Finally the alarms stopped sounding and the guard took a deep breath, tilting back in his chair. “How’s our guest doing?”

Jigen sipped his tea as directed by a jerk of Goemon’s head. He was never much in the way of a tea drinker, drinking it only when Goemon asked him to as a personal favor and even then he normally had to have it spiked with something a little stronger. He looked up at the question and nodded. “Better, thank you. Sorry about setting off your alarms and all that.” He got to his feet and set the empty cup down on the table before sneezing again. “Excuse me, I guess my friend here is right, I really should have stayed at the hotel.” Goemon shoved away from the wall to follow him. “Thanks for the tea.”

“Of course Sir, thank you for visiting.” The guard closest to the door held it open for them as the walked out.


End file.
